(One of these people is a talented and respected performer. The one holding her is David Hasselfhoff.)
Didn’t get an invitation to the ARIA Awards tonight? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. But don’t just sit there counting how many times ARIA has promised to fix the industry’s sexist, racist, short-sighted underpinnings (no, really, don’t: you’ll never leave) or ask yourself who dressed that man on the red carpet (no one: you call that being dressed? That’s falling out of bed and into what’s on the floor), instead make up your own fun – and use your own toilet!
(Yes, sadly, that means you’ll have to supply your own chemical enhancements. But think of it this way, at least you won’t have to share them with those two gurning breakfast radio comics who can suck up your gear better than a top end Dyson.)
Join Wind Back Wednesday on a rewinding tape going back to the 2005 awards, when life was innocent, the Howard-led country, like commercial radio, was in a torpor, and no one said a bad word about Denis Handlin (but at least, unlike now, they weren’t pretending he never existed).
One final note. What was David Hasselhoff doing there? In that suit? I really don't know, but let’s never speak of it again, ok?
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PHIL JAMIESON’S MUM BETTER start thinking about a frock.
After 10 years, multiple nominations but not a single win at the annual music industry lovefest, the ARIA Awards, Jamieson, the flamboyant and voluble lead singer of Lismore band Grinspoon, had given up on winning an ARIA.
When asked last week about his chances this year, Jamieson declared the band no hope, though he added: "But if we win one I know my mother's going to be really happy so maybe if I do win one I'll take her next year."
Last night Mrs Jamieson became a very happy mother as Grinspoon's album Thrills Kills And Sunday Pills was named best rock album.
Grinspoon's win was not the only surprise at the Superdome with Bondi's Ben Lee, who released his most recent album Awake Is The New Sleep on his own independent label, being declared best male artist. Lee took home three awards, adding best independent release and best single, Catch My Disease, to a haul which even a year ago would have seemed fanciful at best.
Lee's win for best single was one of the few times that the evening's biggest star, Missy Higgins, was beaten to the punch, or the podium. The 22-year-old Melbourne singer/ songwriter, who won her first ARIA last year, added another five of the pointy silver objects to her mantelpiece.
As well as being the best female artist, Higgins saw her debut album, The Sound Of White, named best pop release and both highest selling album and album of the year. Not too surprisingly then, she was also named breakthrough artist of the year.
Breakthroughs happened several other places last night. Perth band Eskimo Joe beat perennial favourites Powderfinger for the title of best group, while the international kings of preschooler entertainment, the Wiggles, broke a five year stretch of wins for commercial rivals Hi-5, by winning best children's album.
However, maybe the most surprising breakthrough of all was in the unlikely figures of Robert Forster and Grant McLennan.
The Brisbane pair formed The Go-Betweens while at university in 1977, spent the 1980s being ignored by the mainstream and had a decade apart before reforming The Go-Betweens in 2000.
Last night Forster and McLennan received their first ARIA award, for best adult contemporary album for the critically acclaimed Oceans Apart, the band's ninth album, released 28 years after their first shows.
Bet you Mrs Jamieson is glad she did not have to wait that long.