WHO INVITED ME TO THIS BARBECUE? AND WHEN CAN I LEAVE?


Early evening Jan 1, when my sleep deprived brain couldn’t focus on whole ideas and my eyes couldn’t focus on the computer screen any longer, I skipped work and flicked through channels and found the music channel Max was running a Top 200 BBQ Classics list. Both amused and appalled I stayed. I began to tweet. What could go wrong? After all, I knew I could stop any time. Any time I wanted. Really, I could.

As the night wore on, light and hope darkened, gibbering and uncontrollable weeping threatened, this bbq turned into something else. A personal life study? An endurance test? An examination of the soul of Australia – and by definition for Max, that meant the soul of Australian men – amid our most sacred social act? All of the above. And more. And less.

Be warned going in, it can be a heady trip.

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 15 hours ago

Excellent song from ancient times but can you explain what the pitch might have been for this cheap & odd film clip?

Australian Crawl - Reckless

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 15 hours ago

If it’s not obvious, I’ve found Max’s Top 200 BBQ classics (I know, wtf?) and this clip reminded how Young Years was a rubbish Dragon song.

Dragon - Young Years

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 15 hours ago

Oh holy faded jeans Batman, Life Is A Highway! I had completely forgotten Tom Cochrane. A huskiness-free Bryan Adams? Mellencamp lite?

Tom Cochrane - Life is a Highway

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 15 hours ago

Ooh Max get all edgy. Bottle-bleached Radiohead step up to the bbq hotplate. You could cut a steak with the Greenwood brothers’ cheekbones.

Radiohead- Creep

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 15 hours ago

Why don’t Blind Melon ever come up on lists of weird one hit wonders? No Rain – a stoned Flaming Lips crossed with a country rock Nirvana.

Blind Melon - No Rain

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 14 hours ago

Ah, knew I wouldn’t have to wait long for Fleetwood Mac (Don’t Stop) to appear on the Top 200 bbq classics. Christine McVie is ace though

Fleetwood Mac - Don't Stop

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 14 hours ago

Don’t know why but feel like instead of Everclear (Santa Monica) Max should play Patrick Hernandez. He’d bring all the boys to the bbq yard

Patrick Hernandez - Born To Be Alive

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 14 hours ago

There is a man dressed in an elephant suit in this Coldplay clip. Riding a unicycle. Has someone spiked the bbq punch? May need to lie down

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 14 hours ago

Maaaate, now you’re taking proper bbq classic. Pour some beer on that chop and sing Choir Girl with Jimmy B all dressed in white #saintly

Cold Chisel - Choir Girl

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 14 hours ago

Listen Max, don’t know who you invite to your BBQs but I Was Made For Loving You is not allowed near the tongs. Bring a salad Paul Stanley

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 14 hours ago

That said Paul Stanley is a reminder we once allowed pop stars to have hairy chests. #WaxMeAmadeus

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 14 hours ago

The Calling, risen without trace, left the room without you knowing they had been there. Much better, here’s Tone Loc. Can Young MC be far?

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 14 hours ago

Is my wife right, the Gin Blossoms’ Robin Wilson has a whiny voice? Get away from my bbq woman! Top 200 bbq classics risks domestic peace?

Gin Blossoms - Hey Jealousy

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 14 hours ago

After the dross of Young Years the Top 200 bbq songs resets the Dragon meter with April Sun In Cuba. That’s a quality snag right there.

Dragon - April Sun In Cuba

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 14 hours ago

My goodness, George Michael’s skimpy shorts in Wake Me Up won’t protect much if the flame catches. Choose life George and step away.

Wham - Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 13 hours ago

Billy Idol raises the obvious new year’s day question: why didn’t they play “in the midnight hour she cried more more more” last night?

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 13 hours ago

Ok then. The top 200 BBQ classics finally gives us Our Livvie gone leather slapper. And a scientologist excited in leather. Still weird.

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 13 hours ago

Oh my god yes, the second stupidest ’80s hair and 3rd worst soft metal song, Bad English bloke in When I See You Smile. I can die happy now.

Bad English - When I See You Smile

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 13 hours ago

Still trying to work out why BBQ classics are pretty much all 90s or earlier. What do poor millennials play at their BBQs?

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 13 hours ago

Wait, the Stealer’s Wheel filmclip for Stuck In The Middle With You does not have Michael Madsen? Get outta here. Who knew? BBQ shock!

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 13 hours ago

This Max bbq happily moves from Wham! to Zeppelin, like switching from grilled zucchini to steak.

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 13 hours ago

Was writing about Kim Gordon today and now watching Tina Weymouth, a couple of my favourite bass players. Nice one.

Talking Heads - Road To Nowhere

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 13 hours ago

They do like their Dragon at this Max bbq, 3rd one since I started watching. Probably their last decent song, the none-more-80s Rain

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 13 hours ago

Pastel pink suits, headbands, awkward white boy dancing and fairground organ. What song? Your time starts …. now

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 13 hours ago

I’d play you some whistling “thinking music” if you could hear Guns n’ Roses and their second wettest ballad, Patience. You may to imagine

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 13 hours ago

Kids, see what smack does to you? Slash is joined in bed by a succession of scantily clad lasses and he only wants to play with his python.

Guns N' Roses - Patience

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 12 hours ago

Screaming Jets really were the cigarette stub end of pub rock weren’t they? I know better than to play that clip at any bbq

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 12 hours ago

As bad as Screaming Jets were they didn’t know any better. No such excuse for Models’ Outta Mind Outta Sight. Even worse than Barbados?

The Models - Outta Mind Outta Sight

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 12 hours ago

No one attempted the pink suit/headband/whiteboy dancing challenge. It was Dire Straits’ Walk Of Life. Points will now carry over.

Dire Straits - Walk Of Life

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 12 hours ago

Why did I not remember Derryn Hinch acted in the You’re The Voice filmclip? Shame Bernard, shame.

John Farnham - You're The Voice

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 11 hours ago

Some genius in going Pearl Jam to Proclaimers. Alive though is way too earnest for a bbq. Like catering instead of cooking your own snags.

Pearl Jam - Alive

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 11 hours ago

Stones now, loads of Doors already, some Zep too. But no Beatles in the top 200 BBQ classics? Like meat without onions! Call that a bbq?

Not Happy Max!

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 11 hours ago

And no, A-Ha will not substitute Max folks!

A-Ha - Take On Me

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 11 hours ago

All the ladies’ names are Joan, hopes are up and trousers down. No, not a Liberal Party branch meeting.

Australian Crawl - Boys Light Up

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 11 hours ago

Starting to look like we’ll need a second esky of beers fellas. This BBQ is getting frisky as Oz Crawl blend into Robert Palmer and models

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 11 hours ago

You won’t die of hunger waiting for a Chisel or Barnes song at a Max bbq. Cheap Wine is all too apt. Not just a marinade then for the ladies

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 11 hours ago

The standard BBQ question now being asked at #33: do I have the stamina to go the distance after no sleep last night? Suck it up grandad.

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 11 hours ago

My Sharona may not be the best Knack song (Africa?) but it will do very nicely for now. Guitar solo Mr Averre!

The Knack - My Sharona

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 11 hours ago

Ooh, who let the kids in? Those youngsters Powderfinger allowed into the grownup’s conversation at 32. My Happiness.

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 11 hours ago

Back to the pool kids, men’s business now as AC/DC offer Brian Johnson strangling a ferret, or singing – I can’t always tell the difference

Please, Brian, no

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 11 hours ago

Men’s business at a Max bbq does allow for occasional women – someone has to make the potato salad – so the Divinyls come from the kitchen

The Divinyls - Boys In Town

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 11 hours ago

No, no, no. I’m starting to pack my gear up now. UB-bloody-40 is what you put on to clear a room. Red red whine as they murder another oldie

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 10 hours ago

Hotel California in a polite live version did lack a bit of kick, that is being more than compensated for by Song 2. Pool jumping time.

Blur - Song 2

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 10 hours ago

Jack going to be a football star, Diane debutant back seat of Jackie’s car. Seems an odd distribution of aspirations. Don’t you think?

John Mellencamp - Jack & Diane

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 10 hours ago

Kinda timely and sad seeing ads for the Leanne Rimes reality show between BBQ favourites – and oh look another Chisel.

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 10 hours ago

Chisel’s Flame Trees to Angels’ Am I Ever Going To See Your Face Again, next Choirboys? hah, in their dreams they were in the same league

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 10 hours ago

Nope, yet another Queen. Get the feeling this list has been compiled by Pandora #NotMuchImagination

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 10 hours ago

Guess it was too much to hope that the Throw Your Arms Around Me version would be the original b-side classic take.

Hunters & Collectors - Throw Your Arms Around Me

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 10 hours ago

Yep, a chance to do an ice run to the servo and toilet break as the worst Stones song is wheeled out. Start Me Up? Turn me off.

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 10 hours ago

Finally some Bruce. Born To Run of course. Arms around the other blokes and shouting it together “love you mate, no love YOU mate” style

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 10 hours ago

Sweet Child O Mine. Where do the missing letters in Guns n’ Roses titles/names go? Rock wanker detention?

Guns n' Roses - Sweet Child O Mine

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 10 hours ago

Get thee behind me satan, the Smash Mouth version of I’m A Believer instead of Monkees? Homebrand margarine instead of Lurpak? Philistines

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 10 hours ago

On the other hand I wouldn’t object if at this bbq they played the Ryan Adams version of Wonderworld. Only Ryan we’d get after all

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 9 hours ago

Ah well it was foolish to think I’d get out of a Max bbq without some Choirboys. Run To Paradise is tolerable, like a harmless Titans fan

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 9 hours ago

Barnesy, INXS, several Coreys and Keifer Sutherland with fangs and Jason Patric. Odd gang of lost boys.

The Lost Boys - Good Times - INXS, Jimmy Barnes

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 9 hours ago

Beds Are Burning reminds me I am not in bed. Why did I start this again? Why not stop? Mum said can’t stop while there’s food on your plate.

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 9 hours ago

I feel a working man’s anthem coming on, coming up like a fever. Could it be? Could it be hell! Hit me Jon Bon Jovi, we’ll give it a shot.

Bon Jovi - Livin' On A Prayer

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 9 hours ago

The perming budget of Bon Jovi circa Lovin’ On A Prayer could have paid off a small African nation’s debt. And bought them a tank or two

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 9 hours ago

See you feminist fruitbats them chicks get a fair go at Max top 200 bbq classics – here is Pink Raise Your Glass. Now fetch me a beer love.

Pink - Raise Your Glass

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 9 hours ago

And because we don’t want to confuse the blokes with too many different women Chrissie Amphlett returns at 8. Pleasure & Pain. Like me now.

The Divinyls - Pleasure and Pain

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 9 hours ago

Predictions earlier of Working Class Man at 1 fall a bit short. Denim in his blood, with a simple soul in a complicated land, lands at 7.

Jimmy Barnes - Working Class Man

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 9 hours ago

Ok who let uni students in? They eat your crudités, drink the guava juice & pick R.E.M’s Losing My Religion without ever taking out the bins.

REM - Losing My Religion

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 9 hours ago

U2 in Las Vegas then Men At Work in a fried out Kombie. Bob Hawke is still PM & Tony Abbott is still threatening uni feminists #goldenyears

hello ladies

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 9 hours ago

Sigh. No Ryan but instead it’s Bryan. Mrs Adams i blame you for Summer Of ’69. Spare the rod, spoil a perfectly good bbq decades later

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 9 hours ago

So AC/DC at number 2 can’t be a stone cold ’70s classic but Shook Me All Night Long. Could have been worse.

AC/DC - You Shook Me All Night Long

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 8 hours ago

And number 1? Could it be Cattle & Cane? Friday On My Mind? Into My Arms? Are you on drugs? Of course it’s Khe Sanh. ‘ken oath it is.

Cold Chisel - Khe Sanh

Bernard Zuel @BernardZuel · 8 hours ago

Go home Australia, you’re drunk.